Journal: Aunthood

A conversation I had with a friend of mine through texting triggered me to make this post.  We were kinda talking about siblings stuff and all and then, I began to wonder whether having younger siblings is the same as having nieces or nephews, because she claimed so and that I think otherwise, I disagree to her statement.  And I asked another friend of mine whether a person who is the youngest in which they do not have any baby/younger/little siblings after them know how it feels like to have one.  Can they relate this kind of feelings and stuff.  This friend said it depends on situations or events but she strongly feel that the youngest will never know how it feels like to be a big sister or brother, I myself cannot understand thoroughly how it feels like to be a big brother, or to be the oldest one.  I'm the middle child.  I have two older siblings and two younger ones.  So I might understand how it feels like to be the younger one and also to be older one.  I can be both.  But being an older sister makes me a better younger sister to my two older siblings.  I know exactly how to treat them and I know exactly how to break their hearts.  This sounds so cheesy but yeah they've broke my hearts thousand times a day, so called brat-annoying-insensitive siblings. but that's what siblings do right? hahah, but I'm pretty sure they don't feel so hurtful like I always did...I'm the poyo girl who takes everything so seriously. 

Anyway this is supposed to be how entering aunthood changes my life.  It's been almost ten months (she was nine months when I started to write this) since I entered this aunthood life, eventho I don't see my little niece face to face as often as I want, it does not change the fact that I am an aunt.

This is a total life changing and to be honest I'm not good around kids, I naturally don't like kids, I don't hate them but I am not fond of them at any cause.  If you see how frequent I change my FB cover photos of kids or todds, this is only because they are models and they are super beautiful and I envied them and they make a good cover photo, obviously! (And yeah cuz my bro wont allow me to upload female without covering especially, so no Rihanna eventho my fingers itch to upload Riri's photos).  I'll be the one who is okay to no be holding or having babies or kids in my arms or around me.  I have this feeling that kids despise me too, and I see them as adults too, I speak to them like one, I don't go babbling or do the baby talk or anything.  It sounds cruel right, Idk, but it is me, I don't feel comfortable around them cuz I feel they're not comfortable around me and the fact that it feels awkward for not behaving or responding like any other people around me.  I don't want people to know that, especially the babies' parents,, ya because maybe they would be thinking "OMG she's bad, I can't hand over my kid to her" .. that fears me a lot.. I know I'm like that but do not point it out.

But I was there, the day she was born and made me an official aunt.  I remembered not getting the feeling yet. I didn't know how to feel, what to feel, what to say and stuff.  My sister-in-law had to get Cesarean because of complications and all.  It was my first time seeing people having babies, I mean being in the hospital and pay a visit to them but not exactly witnessing the birth, I only watch those on You tube, pretty explicit.  and another best part of this journey was that my childhood, best friend was there! Both of us didnt know we were under the same roof, she was on her posting practical stuff, a medical student she is and I was happen to give a text to her saying I am in Temerloh and all and she said ohh which hospital,,and then we hang out,, she got to see my niece. and I'm glad even though we rarely in touch but she is there on my big days & all. Thanks. I miss you.

I was filming my brother and he was being himself but I know he was nervous and scared but he remained calm as usual.  And then my sis-in-law was being pushed and she was smiling and her baby was on her covered legs.  She was so so small.

And it was the next day that we got to see both mommy and baby.  Omma actually offered me to hold and I was honored to be told that but I declined as she was so small.  And the first thing I fell in love on her was her lips! I super love her small lips and the way she puckers them! That, is a clear image in head.  Ya i love her lips.

As an aunt, I noticed myself to be a bit tolerate with small kids now, I started to feel attracted to my cousins' beautiful children, and they like me and I feel good bout myself when they enjoy my company and I was like a child myself sometimes.  I even got the chance to babysit 3yo and 6yo other cousins, which are hectic and new experience to me.  I got to bathe them, feed them, change the diapers and also got in fights a lot!  The small one often got things he touches to be broken into pieces and claims everything as his and all. *sorry for grammar mistakes ==' *

I can be her friend, she can rely on me to be cuddlish, I will be the strict aunt oh I know I will XD, I'll buy her stuffs, I'll put on fancy clothes and boots, get her to love what I love, everything and knowing there's a child (I want more, I hope my other sibs get married fast XD) to love and be loved is a huge thing and I hope I don't messed up and all.  and yeah for me siblings are not the same as having niece or nephews.  They're have connection but in different ways. as for me, me and siblings, we don't hug,,as much as I want it to be happened, it just does not work in my place, I enjoy good and cute and close relationship between siblings (reasons to love Lucky Smith and his sisters, and Queen is getting married) but it just cant happen in mine,,idk but we are in a good term believe me, But with niece,nephews, I can be the most huggable person haha what a word.  I'll be preparing milk or baby food n all. idk.

and I also think that having one at this age and not when I was way much younger is a thing too.  It brings different kind of feeling I guess,  Different environment and all, or having such a close age gap with your niece and nephews does makes you different in how you view these relationship.

"On this day, I would like to wish her

Happy 10th month, Zaraa!"

Journal: Supernatural

*spoiler*

So hey~ I am currently at the 9th season of Supernatural.  I'm like way back behind but I don't mind this, I'm proud of myself and also sometimes got shocked with spoiler around the net, no one to blame.  This season, it is overwhelming, intense, sad, pain & etc.  Great plot tho I have a few questions here and there but I dont want to spoil the fun, get along.  

Not very long time ago I found a vid clip of narration. It got me the first time I saw the clip, and back then I was in the earlier seasons if not mistaken.  But then I decided to find again and I found it and how the video clip gives me a much clearer view of what it is about.  I love the narration, the montage of Dean's hurting in and out, it really is about him hurting, restless, hopeless and while writing this I am putting the clip on loop.  The piano and her voice are really perfect together makes we want to find Dean and be there for him, I cried.  Ya these later seasons got me crying a lot and I admit I am highly get touchy2 and all.

It's like you're screaming and no one can hear..
You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important
that without them you feel like nothing
no one will never understand how much it hurts
you feel hopeless
but nothing can save you
and when it's over and it is gone
you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back
so you can have the good.

After I watched most of the scenes included in above clip, I understand that this piece is really about him and in few episodes when Sam finally understand what's been happening and how he is so pissed at Dean and said how he really ready to die and Dean won't let that happen.

"You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important

that without them you feel like nothing" 

above lines, exactly what Sam had dropped on him.  If we look on both Dean and Sam's views, Sam would say that Dean is like that, Sam said in 9.13: "I was ready to die.  I was ready.  I should have died, but you... You didn't want to be alone, and that's what all this boils down to.  You can't stand the thought of being alone".  I was like HOW COULD YOU, SAM! and Dean was like or was I, I was like yaa Dean cannot stand the idea of being alone, but that's true but he wants to save you and he believes that you can be saved...Dean is selfish to Sam, but idk ,,he's your brother and to Dean, Sam is like everything to him  even Sam cannot hear him screaming.,and that last part of that episode when Sam said he wouldn't do the same for Dean.  you just break your only brother's heart there.  And along the episode, scenes, before this one, Dean is actually been thinking how Sam said "if you want work, then we work, but if you want to be brothers..*silence*" This one uwaaaaaa, "And I was just being honest" he said.. Ya of course Dean didn't get to sleep that night,,

It's like if I know there's still chances, I'd choose to be selfish just for the other person to be back on feet.  Sam also being a selfish dude when he decided to let things go and to die...he wasn't trying hard enough I guess.  Both of them are in great distressed and all, time is running out and all ya it's super tough.

for the clip, who ever made this, wrote this, I want to like be friends with and share our thoughts or something cuz right now I have no one to share my thoughts about this series, amazing.  Of course other series are just as great and it is just me who do not have the time in the world for them all.  I know I'd fall in love with every single of them but for now I decide not to.  Besides I am a slow watcher *if that's a word* 

Script 9.13 'The Purge'