Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Word100: Cerita Resit #4 (Aku juga seperti mereka)

Aku juga seperti mereka

“Eh, kenapa diorang ni complicated sangat?” Ika bertanya. Aku menghampiri Ika dan melihat skrin computer ribanya. Trailer kisah seorang transgender.


Lelaki dan wanita. Bagi mereka, ianya tidak semudah itu. Jantina bukan hanya terbahagi kepada dua tetapi lebih dari itu.

Aku melukis satu garis lurus. Ika melihat, tekun. Seperti pembaris, aku calitkan beberapa garis-garis menegak di antara ‘lelaki’ dan ‘pmpuan’.

“Ini satu spektrum, di antara jantina lelaki dan perempuan, ada lagi di antaranya dan trust me, there are so many.”

“Mereka tiada panduan, hanya hak asasi manusia tu je yang mereka pentingkan.”

Syukur. Aku ada Islam.

Hati ini aku pujuk.

Bawah 100: Cerita Resit #3 (Aku sayang persahabatan ini)

Aku sayang persahabatan ini

Aku runsing. Hati aku gelisah. Dia kawan aku tetapi kenapa aku rasa dia tidak memahami diri aku ni? Aku mudah orangnya. Aku tinggalkan carikan diri ini di mana-mana aku pergi. 

Aku sebuah lautan luas. Gayunglah sampan engkau, lihat ombak aku.

Tiap kali kita bertukar-tukar mesej, ada sahaja terkelumit di bibirku, “Benci aku budak ni!” Tetapi ini hati busukku. Aku diamkan sahaja. 

Atau dia rasa aku yang tidak memahami dia? Ini baru kisah persahabatan dan belum lagi kisah cinta. 

Ika pandang aku, penuh tanda tanya di raut wajahnya.

Kisah cinta? Masih jauh untuk aku. Lain hari aku cerita lagi.

Bawah 100: Cerita Resit #2 (Salah aku)

Salah aku

“Hey Jua, kau tengok emel, bagi pendapat kau.”

Aku tekan butang send pada skrin telefon pintar aku.

Selang beberapa minit, telefon aku berdering perlahan. Mesej baru masuk. Aku yakin itu dari Jua.

“Hmm, ceritanya tiada elemen yang membuatkan aku untuk terus baca. Tema apa ni? Persahabatan? Aku tak rasa apa pun. Mungkin ayat dan vocab perlu perbaik lagi. Nasib baik pendek, kalau ada empat muka, aku berhenti pada muka kedua.”

Tulisannya terasa keras.

Dia bukan penulis, hanya sahabat yang aku percayai.

Telefon berbunyi lagi.
Dari Jua.

“Tell Marigold, I’m proud on her courage to send the essay.”

Aku menjeling, geram.

Monday, November 23, 2015

Journal: Aunthood

A conversation I had with a friend of mine through texting triggered me to make this post.  We were kinda talking about siblings stuff and all and then, I began to wonder whether having younger siblings is the same as having nieces or nephews, because she claimed so and that I think otherwise, I disagree to her statement.  And I asked another friend of mine whether a person who is the youngest in which they do not have any baby/younger/little siblings after them know how it feels like to have one.  Can they relate this kind of feelings and stuff.  This friend said it depends on situations or events but she strongly feel that the youngest will never know how it feels like to be a big sister or brother, I myself cannot understand thoroughly how it feels like to be a big brother, or to be the oldest one.  I'm the middle child.  I have two older siblings and two younger ones.  So I might understand how it feels like to be the younger one and also to be older one.  I can be both.  But being an older sister makes me a better younger sister to my two older siblings.  I know exactly how to treat them and I know exactly how to break their hearts.  This sounds so cheesy but yeah they've broke my hearts thousand times a day, so called brat-annoying-insensitive siblings. but that's what siblings do right? hahah, but I'm pretty sure they don't feel so hurtful like I always did...I'm the poyo girl who takes everything so seriouslyTuzki Bunny Emoticon

Anyway this is supposed to be how entering aunthood changes my life.  It's been almost ten months (she was nine months when I started to write this) since I entered this aunthood life, eventho I don't see my little niece face to face as often as I want, it does not change the fact that I am an aunt.

This is a total life changing and to be honest I'm not good around kids, I naturally don't like kids, I don't hate them but I am not fond of them at any cause.  If you see how frequent I change my FB cover photos of kids or todds, this is only because they are models and they are super beautiful and I envied them and they make a good cover photo, obviously! (And yeah cuz my bro wont allow me to upload female without covering especially, so no Rihanna eventho my fingers itch to upload Riri's photos).  I'll be the one who is okay to no be holding or having babies or kids in my arms or around me.  I have this feeling that kids despise me too, and I see them as adults too, I speak to them like one, I don't go babbling or do the baby talk or anything.  It sounds cruel right, Idk, but it is me, I don't feel comfortable around them cuz I feel they're not comfortable around me and the fact that it feels awkward for not behaving or responding like any other people around me.  I don't want people to know that, especially the babies' parents,, ya because maybe they would be thinking "OMG she's bad, I can't hand over my kid to her" .. that fears me a lot.. I know I'm like that but do not point it out.

But I was there, the day she was born and made me an official aunt.  I remembered not getting the feeling yet. I didn't know how to feel, what to feel, what to say and stuff.  My sister-in-law had to get Cesarean because of complications and all.  It was my first time seeing people having babies, I mean being in the hospital and pay a visit to them but not exactly witnessing the birth, I only watch those on You tube, pretty explicitTuzki Bunny Emoticon.  and another best part of this journey was that my childhood, best friend was there! Both of us didnt know we were under the same roof, she was on her posting practical stuff, a medical student she is and I was happen to give a text to her saying I am in Temerloh and all and she said ohh which hospital,,and then we hang out,, she got to see my niece. and I'm glad even though we rarely in touch but she is there on my big days & all. Thanks. I miss you.

I was filming my brother and he was being himself but I know he was nervous and scared but he remained calm as usual.  And then my sis-in-law was being pushed and she was smiling and her baby was on her covered legs.  She was so so small.

And it was the next day that we got to see both mommy and baby.  Omma actually offered me to hold and I was honored to be told that but I declined as she was so small.  And the first thing I fell in love on her was her lips! I super love her small lips and the way she puckers them! That, is a clear image in head.  Ya i love her lips.Tuzki Bunny Emoticon

As an aunt, I noticed myself to be a bit tolerate with small kids now, I started to feel attracted to my cousins' beautiful children, and they like me and I feel good bout myself when they enjoy my company and I was like a child myself sometimes.  I even got the chance to babysit 3yo and 6yo other cousins, which are hectic and new experience to me.  I got to bathe them, feed them, change the diapers and also got in fights a lot!  The small one often got things he touches to be broken into pieces and claims everything as his and all. *sorry for grammar mistakes ==' *

I can be her friend, she can rely on me to be cuddlish, I will be the strict aunt oh I know I will XD, I'll buy her stuffs, I'll put on fancy clothes and boots, get her to love what I love, everything and knowing there's a child (I want more, I hope my other sibs get married fast XD) to love and be loved is a huge thing and I hope I don't messed up and all.  and yeah for me siblings are not the same as having niece or nephews.  They're have connection but in different ways. as for me, me and siblings, we don't hug,,as much as I want it to be happened, it just does not work in my place, I enjoy good and cute and close relationship between siblings (reasons to love Lucky Smith and his sisters, and Queen is getting married) but it just cant happen in mine,,idk but we are in a good term believe me, But with niece,nephews, I can be the most huggable person haha what a word.  I'll be preparing milk or baby food n all. idk.

and I also think that having one at this age and not when I was way much younger is a thing too.  It brings different kind of feeling I guess,  Different environment and all, or having such a close age gap with your niece and nephews does makes you different in how you view these relationship.
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"On this day, I would like to wish her
Happy 10th month, Zaraa!"

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Journal: Supernatural


So hey~ I am currently at the 9th season of Supernatural.  I'm like way back behind but I don't mind this, I'm proud of myself and also sometimes got shocked with spoiler around the net, no one to blame.  This season, it is overwhelming, intense, sad, pain & etc.  Great plot tho I have a few questions here and there but I dont want to spoil the fun, get along.  

Not very long time ago I found a vid clip of narration. It got me the first time I saw the clip, and back then I was in the earlier seasons if not mistaken.  But then I decided to find again and I found it and how the video clip gives me a much clearer view of what it is about.  I love the narration, the montage of Dean's hurting in and out, it really is about him hurting, restless, hopeless and while writing this I am putting the clip on loop.  The piano and her voice are really perfect together makes we want to find Dean and be there for him, I cried.  Ya these later seasons got me crying a lot and I admit I am highly get touchy2 and all.

It's like you're screaming and no one can hear..
You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important
that without them you feel like nothing
no one will never understand how much it hurts
you feel hopeless
but nothing can save you
and when it's over and it is gone
you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back
so you can have the good.

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After I watched most of the scenes included in above clip, I understand that this piece is really about him and in few episodes when Sam finally understand what's been happening and how he is so pissed at Dean and said how he really ready to die and Dean won't let that happen.

"You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important
that without them you feel like nothing" 

above lines, exactly what Sam had dropped on him.  If we look on both Dean and Sam's views, Sam would say that Dean is like that, Sam said in 9.13: "I was ready to die.  I was ready.  I should have died, but you... You didn't want to be alone, and that's what all this boils down to.  You can't stand the thought of being alone".  I was like HOW COULD YOU, SAM! and Dean was like or was I, I was like yaa Dean cannot stand the idea of being alone, but that's true but he wants to save you and he believes that you can be saved...Dean is selfish to Sam, but idk ,,he's your brother and to Dean, Sam is like everything to him Tuzki Bunny Emoticon even Sam cannot hear him screaming.,and that last part of that episode when Sam said he wouldn't do the same for Dean. Tuzki Bunny EmoticonTuzki Bunny Emoticon you just break your only brother's heart there.  And along the episode, scenes, before this one, Dean is actually been thinking how Sam said "if you want work, then we work, but if you want to be brothers..*silence*" This one uwaaaaaa, "And I was just being honest" he said.. Ya of course Dean didn't get to sleep that night,,
It's like if I know there's still chances, I'd choose to be selfish just for the other person to be back on feet.  Sam also being a selfish dude when he decided to let things go and to die...he wasn't trying hard enough I guess.  Both of them are in great distressed and all, time is running out and all ya it's super tough.
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for the clip, who ever made this, wrote this, I want to like be friends with and share our thoughts or something cuz right now I have no one to share my thoughts about this series, amazing.  Of course other series are just as great and it is just me who do not have the time in the world for them all.  I know I'd fall in love with every single of them but for now I decide not to.  Besides I am a slow watcher *if that's a word* 

Friday, October 16, 2015

Journal: Of the many things I couldn't say

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“I'm afraid my voice is going to break. I am afraid she is going to hear how much this hurts.”
― Holly Black, Red Glove
Sensitive people are the most genuine and honest people you will ever meet. There is nothing they won’t tell you about themselves if they trust your kindness. However, the moment you betray them, reject them or devalue them, they become the worse type of person. Unfortunately, they end up hurting themselves in the long run. They don’t want to hurt other people. It is against their very nature. They want to make amends and undo the wrong they did. Their life is a wave of highs and lows. They live with guilt and constant pain over unresolved situations and misunderstandings. They are tortured souls that are not able to live with hatred or being hated. This type of person needs the most love anyone can give them because their soul has been constantly bruised by others. However, despite the tragedy of what they have to go through in life, they remain the most compassionate people worth knowing, and the ones that often become activists for the broken hearted, forgotten and the misunderstood. They are angels with broken wings that only fly when loved.
― Shannon L. Alder

“There are certain children who are told they are too sensitive, and there are certain adults who believe sensitivity is a problem that can be fixed in the way that crooked teeth can be fixed and made straight. And when these two come together you get a fairytale, a kind of story with hopelessness in it.
 I believe there is something in these old stories that does what singing does to words. They have transformational capabilities, in the way melody can transform mood.
 They can't transform your actual situation, but they can transform your experience of it. We don't create a fantasy world to escape reality; we create it to be able to stay. I believe we have always done this, used images to stand and understand what otherwise would be intolerable.”
― Lynda Barry, What It Is 
Highly sensitive people are too often perceived as weaklings or damaged goods.  To feel intensely is not a symptom of weakness, it is the trademark of the truly alive and compassionate.  It is not the empath who is broken, it is society that has become dysfunctional and emotionally disabled.  There is no shame in expressing your authentic feelings.  Those who are at times described as being a 'hot mess' or having 'too many issues' are the very fabric of what keeps the dream alive for a more caring, humane world.  Never be ashamed to let your tears shine a light in  this world.
- Anthon St. Maarten 

Thanks and credit to whomever gather this quotes Tuzki Bunny Emoticon

But I believe I make no trouble with them surrounding me.  I don't make faces, I don't skip a day without talking to them, there's always the aftermath feelings of what ever occur to me that breaks me down.  I'm goofy, trust me Tuzki Bunny EmoticonTuzki Bunny Emoticon But here I am, strangers can see through me, I'm said to be self motivated, an yeah he's right, I picked myself up.

I'm not surprised
Not everything lasts
I've broken my heart so many times,
I stopped keepin' track.
Talk myself in
I talk myself out
I get all worked up
Then I let myself down.
I tried so very hard not to lose it
I came up with a million excuses
I thought, I thought of every possibility
And I know someday that it'll all turn out
                                            - Michael Buble Haven't Met You Yet

Ya I expect many things from them cuz I thought it's normal *sigh* I envied looking at others' friendship, how strong they are, how cool they are, how awesome they are, how theyre gonna look back together and how stupid or cool they were,  I don't have this.  We skipped what I thot the crucial time of a friendship lives, the teen time idk,,,and now we're no longer teens.  What we should experience, what we should learn, what we should be talking about and more, we don't have that.

I'm the type who would be my friends' biggest fan, I'm obsessed about their lives, wanting to know what they've been through, the types of guys they wish to be with, the kind of girls they wish to be, I want to know what they think of my playlist (but too afraid to show, reasons of not showing my writings), I'd read their journal and blogs and wait for their updates, like all of their uploaded photos on instagram, fbs and I wish they have youtube or vine ahhahha, I'll be the first to share!  I want somebody who I can be mad at but they won't be mad for long, I want to be with friends who criticize my Rihanna but listen to Rihanna's badass songs anyways, friends who would buy me crazy gifts and I would return the favor with crazier gifts but it's me who would be the first to give so heheh, Friends who I can get matching tattoo with! This kind but of course we won't! Haramm!  Friends who let me colour my hair, do what I dare, criticize me but they do the same anyway and laugh their butts off.,go getaway together, when they don't understand me, they ask. Friends who are comfortable with introducing their soulmate/boyfriends/ or whatever to me, Idk,, I just want to be a part of their love journey, of course not in a bad way, Tuzki Bunny Emoticonduhh hehe, it's fun I'm telling you, be your wingman (wing girl), I will not b envied cuz I know how you guys are givin me enuf love HAHA.

I'm sorry I kinda drifted away from kpop too, I know how it feels like to be the person at the other friend did the same but I got over with already.  I too have weird friend who only love that particular band and will be quitting when the band is no longer there, that is soo weird.. come on there's so much to love out there!  So much to see and appreciate! It's hard to be a fan, we all know that. I've missed so much of them (that shows, these shows n basically everything), I finally decided to just let it passes me by.  Cuz it upsets and troubles me if I can't have them all, u get me? I still loving them but my discs are always full, I've lost my laptop, the bands are too active, they move too fast for a basic fangirl like me.  I've so many things to do yet so little time.
Ya I want these, I'm selfish I know,
but others can.

But then, they must've think I'm asking too much, get myself a life or anything... I can't do the same since they don't let me in..It's hard. Some people I know, would be criticizing of this kind of person I am, they say "you can always find other friends, don't wait for them", I'm too emotional and all.  Idk,,they are the friends I wish to bring to Akhirah.  This is to 'To the infinity and beyond"

Image result for infinity tumblr

"I'm hurtin baby
I'm broken down"

"I'm right here, 'cause I need
Little love and little sympathy"


#np Eleena Harris -Die In Your Arms

Oh, I can't help it, I'm just selfish
There's no way that I could share you
That would break my heart to pieces
Honestly the truth is...

Ooh, if there is a reason to call me a fool
'Cause I love too hard
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Album : Crazy Life

I love this kind of cover 

This is mainly just the intro of them by me but with minimum details, not a review.  So many things to say but uhhhh. Anyway~ Yay! So this is one of my current music obsessions!  I listen to them in the car, in my mp4, some tracks in my phone.  I love their talent, their great covers, their wonderful songs and their good looks!  I first encountered their cover of Meghan Trainor's All About That Bass, I love it instantly, it's unique with their own country touch, I never feel even more attracted to country music~ I've seen one of their live concert in the Youtube of course Tuzki Bunny EmoticonThey are organized team, and funny Tuzki Bunny Emoticonguys.

And yeah I have a thing with a bass voice Tuzki Bunny Emoticon heheh.. so Tim Foust part always had my ears all about that bass!  Awesome bass, rich in its way.  And Austin is the Home Free heartthrob as Tim introduced him in their concert, and yeah no wonder because I too think the same Tuzki Bunny Emoticon I saw him first but then I can't decide which one is my bias hahahhaha. But I like to see him in Champagne Taste (Beer budget) haha..not because he's topless ehh, his hair and the funny dance and their song mixed up, I fell for that part ngeee.

For the Crazy Life album, name taken from one of the tracks, I love most of them! The Hunter Hayes medley, Your Man, Crazy Life, Champagne taste (beer budget), Ring of fire, and idk all of them Tuzki Bunny EmoticonTuzki Bunny Emoticon

They have their own songs too:

Crazy Life is wonderful, inspiring piece!

and more!  Check them out!  I even save a playlist of them in my youtube account.

and yeah Instagram of them
(I'm too lazy to share them here)

Friday, September 4, 2015

Writing: Links and more links

I just finished reading Sharon Creech's Love That Dog, a verse novel.  I just learnt the term from this book and OMG how I really am falling in love with this kind of writing!  I always wanted to write a novel but I always feel that I am way behind and not good enough and I am, I am being hard on myself :( .  So with this, I want to give it a try.

I like this book eventhough it is for children, but come on! Even the ugliest thing can be an inspiration to us, right?
Next stop will be of the same author, 'Hate That Cat'.
I'm not going to write a review on these books yet because I am eager to share some other stuff.
Then, I searched for 'Verse novel' on Pinterest for tips and explanation and all.  Then, this is how I came across with these links below:

I cannot believe that there are thousands of similar books and I really need them now!  Oh how I wish I can download them for free or have them sold here in my place.  I got my eyes on a few titles already; The Crossover by Kwame Alexander.  And yeah this site is called Brightly which offers you a lot of insights regarding writing and they are really useful to us, especially teachers and parents.  Their main focus is on kids, tho.
This is Malaysian online bookstore which sells many titles but I didn't find any on verse novel so far, not yet.  Their prices are awesome too, discounts here and there.  We can make ourselves an account to make purchase or you can just use your Facebook account.  I prefer the second :P 

I just found this and subscribed to this site's newsletter to get a free e-book haha!
Eventho I just found this site but I can tell it is amazing already.  The site is pretty too and convincing.  This site is made by Darcy Pattison who is an author and I believe, the owner of this site, (of course!).  She published many types of books including children's books and often offer tips on better writing which I will make most of it.  I never found her books before but now I feel like buying at least one of hers.  

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Hobby: Miniature

Smores by Chani-Chan, via Flickr
This Sylvanian stuffs UGHJJJ

 Linzer Jam Cookies by The Micro Bakery

 Via Flickr:
 1/12th scale linzer jam cookies with tiny hearts.  Made from polymer clay and acrylic paint.

Photos and tutorial:
<a href=“” rel=“nofollow”></a>

 Miniature butter cookies running away from youuuuuu~~!!  #miniature #miniaturefood #mini #clay #polymerclay #bear #rabbit #cat #cookies #dollhouse #scaleminiature #scaleoneinch #onetwelfth #realistic #handmade #Stitch #Disney #fanart #handmade #snowferncl by Cindy Teh

 Copper pots by JenniferNicholeWells

 Via Flickr:
 Copper pots. Something is cooking on the stove, but no one is around to tend to it.

Look at this architecture! SUPER LOVE THIS, It's mystical, rusty, pretty and wonderful!  I always love cute stuffs and I collect dollhouse stuff back as a little girl and it seems it never fade away..I still have the interest in this miniature stuffs.  Then one day, I came across Sylvanian families collection with their stunning pretty work-made, so realistic despite making the animals to be human-like and all but I just love the details and all the small things.  Too bad they are super expensive to me.  I managed to buy a pair of cat babies and a slide.  I kept my childhood plaything in a box, even though they are cute but they do not satisfy me, I want them to be more realistic and appear non-cheap.  Then I remembered omma once made me a cute bed and a cupboard out of just plain cards.  They look good and too bad my teacher decided not to see those cute things, not just mine but also the other kids.  I hated it.  Or was it like that? I honestly do not really remember it.. The furniture were so neat and pretty.

Then the urge suddenly came back after seeing those sale Behappy,com made.  I saw all the houses & stuffs that I could not afford.. why not make them myself.  Maybe my work would turn out just like the image above..who knows.. and yo-dongsaeng loves this as well,  She fancies stuff like these too, she'll help and we'll our butts off for some projects.  With this I can have tons of mini photoshoot Ive been dreaming to make..but without people in it.  I don't have the feeling to make little people so far...just the rooms and houses and all  the details in small spoons, magazines, plushies or toilets!

Look at these beautifully made rooms! They inspire me so so so muchh! 
DIY Dollhouse Miniature Traveller Time Dollhouse Kit by UniTime

DIY Pink Dollhouse Music Box Miniature House Handcraft Kit Birthday Gifts Christmas Gift Kids Women Toy Assembly Dollhous kits Model kits

They come in DIY....we need to assemble them
Should I start with this kit?

I imagine little woodland animals living in each room. :) » I would have LOVED to have had this as a child, it is so awesome!
Can I start now!! Give me ideas!!
(maybe a desk with books eh)

I should start a pin on miniature things, tips & ideas in Pinterest.
I'm Palgang btw

Here are the great sites I gathered so far:


Friday, July 3, 2015

The Atomics

I'm still new with their music and I've listened to their new single 'Too Late' on youtube and it is not really my cup of tea but they're talented and they're good :-D. But maybe I can fall in love with their other songs~ Check them out!
First of all, I was introduced to Lucky and he was the first I knew from the band members from a friend of mine.  I forgot how it started but I was talking about something maybe on male celebs crushes and then she told to look out for a guy named Lucky.  I was confused at first because the name obviously and so I looked up and I was in love! hahha too bad he is a kid!  He does not look like one but he just turns 17 and he is 6'3" and a model!  OMG why?? hahhah.  He is a social media heartthrob..bad luck crazy rabbit. and then I learned his band, The Atomics which consisted of three sisters of his! I guess from his Instagram if not mistaken.  There's always a pic of him with a bleached haired girl just like his and sometimes with other two more girls and they look alike and I was curious!
I've always love sibs or things that come in sets.  I looked up just how I always do and then I slowly come to learn that they are siblings and Lucky is the youngest and the only son in the family and three of them are models.  

They're hot and beautiful family. love you crazy rabbit This is not even enough, I even love their names!!     Starlie Cheyenne (21), Daisy Clementine (19), Pyper America (18) and Lucky Blue (17)... aren't these the cutest combos ever??Tuzki Bunny EmoticonTuzki Bunny Emoticon LOVE, I love their siblings' love, how they are really really close together, they are bandmates and models!  Just look at their selfies and magazine photo shoots, they are so loving and coooool.  Just play the video...(I am so jealousss Tuzki Bunny EmoticonTuzki Bunny Emoticon)

I even named one of my sims; twin sims; Beige Moss & Blue Lucky (after him).   Hahaah I'm such a sucker for Western namesTuzki Bunny Emoticon.
I am following all of their Ig.

ps: this sibs remind me of my cousins' children, three older sisters and a boy,, theyre still babies but I think they will be my next obsession! They are wonderful beautiful kids!!
my long left sims 4 (laptop is dead Tuzki Bunny Emoticon) I was in the middle of playing a cool family and am planning to do a crazy background story for them Tuzki Bunny Emoticon anyways~>  hahha look at how the Castle and Forest are related! 

The Forests
The Castles

hehe just a younger Cara

Keep rocking it, guys!
Love you

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